From the very beginning, my life was anything but normal. You might have not known this from the outside looking in though. Growing up I didn’t have to want for anything. I got everything I could want or need. Instead, I longed for a man who was considered my father but left my mom far before I was even on this earth. As I grew older, my fear of abandonment shaped me into a fear-filled little girl. I isolated myself more just to attempt to avoid the possibility of getting hurt or left behind. The only constants I had were my mom, aunt, and grandpa. My greatest coping mechanism was nothing. I avoided everything. I suppressed everything. One of my best friends was killed in the 7th grade. It was heartbreaking but I still suppressed it and moved on.
My biological father came into my life in the 8th grade to just tell me I wasn’t his, even though the DNA test said that I was, but I suppressed it and moved on. In the 9th grade, I was sexually assaulted by one of my good friends. I blamed myself at first, but then just like every other time I suppressed it and moved on. My relationships in high school were a constant cycle of being cheated on or me isolating myself before they could hurt me. I was enjoying life on the surface and everything was fine doing this, or so I thought. My senior year my best friend, my father-figure, my grandpa got sick and ended up passing away. My world stopped. However, just like every other time I suppressed. I jumped into a relationship and I fell madly in love. More than I have ever before. For the next two and a half years we were toxic, but we loved each other until we didn’t. When he left me my world broke.
I had been suppressing for 20 years at this point. 20 years of trauma that had never been dealt with was ready to come to the surface. The darkness was so heavy. The pain of everything all at once was too much to bear. I was so tired. So, I gave up. I tried taking my own life. I saw no purpose in continuing. However, I made it. I went to the hospital for 5 days. Life after this wasn’t easy. Things weren’t fixed because I had some therapy and got put on the right medicine, but over time I started to pick life. I had to make a decision to continue on that cycle or to actually start living. I choose life. I started meditating and putting positive affirmations all over my house. It was hard but it gave me my life back in the end. I went from a fear-filled little girl to a woman who has a love so great for herself that it radiates off her and reaches others. I am not perfect. I still have bad days.
However, I know now how to deal with them. I know how to cope. I know how to handle my emotions. I know that whatever life throws at me I can recover. I had to break in order to grow. And even in those seasons, I didn’t feel like I was growing I was, and I eventually bloomed again. And, so will you!